Saturday, March 03, 2007
ahhhh..finally a respite from all the CAs..think i've been watching more TV than i've been mugging since i got back from m'sia. from the double happiness at 530 all the way till angels on a mission 3D at 10 on channel u. haha. i almost went mad. i was just sianz bored and stiff from all the books and lifelessness, especially after the disappointment in langkawi. i'm not sure if withdrawing from the race after a 3.8k swim 180k bike and 30k run with 12 km more to go was the right thing to do. half the time while studying and doing everything else, my mind would float away and the question would just keep popping up, what if i had hung on and struggled to the finish, the attempt would have been a finish and not just an attempt. it's probably a guy's ego thing or a confidence thing or whatever, but i'm still really disappointed with myself. push myself to the limits they say. my body may be at the limit but my mind certainly wasnt. i was amazed how i held on for 20 plus k even when my mind kept ringing give up after 7k of run after i came off the bike, but when i see people with the prosthetic leg and the blind guy running with his mate, i just had to move on. how motivated was i to finish i really dont know. is it to ensure i didnt waste the money spent, to answer to the people back home or whatever. i really dont know and i didnt care. with all my blood shunted to my legs, my gut cells dying by the minute from ischemia, i was bloated from overdrinking, my breathing muscles tired to the max, and i wished there was a jab of ipratropium bromide waiting for me somewhere. they say people have collapsed, gone into hypovolemic shock, one of which i've seen myself at the medical tent, but at 90/60 bp and 4.5kgs off my original weight at the end of 14 hrs, i'm not sure if holding out the stress on my body was the sane thing to do either. but from the beginning, i guess agreeing to take up this challenge of the ironman was quite insane too. even worse was the people encouraging me along the way, the spectators, friends i made from all over the world when i was there, still i failed to experience the mind over matter thing. then i realised the problem. i guess i just wasnt motivated enough. to others, it was a race of their lifetime, after months and years of preparation, and to complete was the fruit of that labour, but to me, it was just the result of very irregular cycling sessions, rare runs of once or twice a week, and building on my years of experience as a swimmer. it would've been easier for me, hell lot easier apparently according to the pros, that i would've accomplished much more than the layman with my foundation, if i had a structured training programme and put in a tinge bit more effort. but i guess i found a whole lot more excuses for myself. or so i thought. and then i realise whatever my friend did in preparation for ironman, was not something i couldnt do, rather it was something i refused to do. to give up time with my family, friends, pursuing other interests and just doing eat sleep study train for half a year was simply impossible. i'm not sure if i;ve the discipline either but i know life has to be a balance, and i wouldnt be happy if i had completed the race and looked back to discover what i've lost, which might have included u guys the pandas. like Neil from south africa, who eventually finished 2nd in his age group told me, ironman is a lifelong race, but be prepared to make lots of sacrifices. all of us here at the race, are self centered bastards, who think the world revolve around us, and every man for himself, during training, pre and post race prep, and even more so during the race. but this is why we are here. to see how far this self centeredness can bring us. and if u do eventually fail, to complete or to meet a time, its simply cause u are not self centered enough. there's some truth in his words i guess, but as much as being an ironman is an ambition of mine, unlike people who tatoo the ironman logo on their forehead and aim on breaking the 8 and a half hour barrier at langkawi, the toughest ironman course in the world from weather and hills, i know there're other more important stuffs in life, to be a competent and humane doc, filial child, faithful friend among other things. after reflecting so much on the race for the past few days, these are just a glimpse of the numerous thoughts that went through my head. but most importantly, a question puzzled me, totally. in the first 12 hrs of the race, from the swim through bike until real fatigue started to set in, there was only one thing in my head, NOTHING. its like when they say the blind dont see black or darkness, they see nothing, i'm quite sure its that same nothing. how weird. along the course i saw a very touching moment though. there was a jap guy who did 30 plus k of his run, and was totally gone, and saw his wife sitting along the road which we ran on, cheering him on and videoing his entire process. he went to his wife, sat with her and she cleaned him up abit and said some words, obviously quite incomprehensible to me excpet for gambette something san, and then held him by the hand, and walked the last few kilometres with him to the finish. this is what love's about. not having to understand, not needing to ask, but being with u, holding ur hand every step of the way, when u need me.
haha. here's my favourite songs of the season.
the lyrics are damn good!
When there was me and you- Gabriella
It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care
I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
When there was me and you
I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song
Now I know your not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you
I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind
Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you
只对你有感觉
(偶像剧东方茱丽叶插曲)
作词:张家玮
作曲:林俊杰
编曲:吕绍淳
演唱:飞轮海 hebe
飞轮海 hebe-只对你有感觉
(飞)无解的眼神心像海底针
光是猜测我食欲不振
有点烦人又有点迷人
(h)浪漫没天份反应够迟钝
不够谨慎花挑错颜色
但很矛盾喜欢你的笨
(飞)微笑再美再甜不是你的
都不特别
(h)眼泪再苦再咸有你安慰
又是晴天
(飞)靠的再近再贴少了拥抱
就算太远
(合)全世界只对你有感觉
(飞)玩的再疯再野你瞪一眼
我就收敛
(h)马路再宽再远只要你牵
就很安全
(飞)我会又乖又黏温柔体贴
绝不敷衍
(合)我只对你有感觉
(飞)体贴却黏人爱哭却温顺
有时天真有时很邪恶
对你耍狠就是舍不得
(h)请吸收养分让脑袋平衡
要你现身动作慢吞吞
怎么承认我非你不可
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